The Ladies of Penge

Elizabeth rang last night and I truly regret answering the telephone as I remained stuck to the earpiece for over two hours and still have a headache!. I was a trifle snippy with her. It is not as though she has anything of a revelatory nature to tell, just the usual moan-age about her ever worsening varicose veins. I tell her repeatedly that a good pair of support tights can work wonders, but does she listen?... NO, is the answer.

The main reason for her call was to read out an article from her local "newspaper," The New Penge Shopper. This particular story had got her all hot and bothered and Elizabeth took it upon herself to adopt an outraged-of-Penge tone. Although (as you know), I do try to encourage certain standards of behaviour, I did feel that she was making herself a tad over-wrought, if not hysterical. I have included a snippet of the article from the New Penge Shopper (see below).

Down The Hatch!!!

At around 8pm on the evening of Thursday 2nd April, the ladies of the Penge East Keep Fit Society, were accosted in the church hall of St Speedle-in-the-Mire. They were rehearsing their group dance number for the forthcoming London and South East Regional Keep Fit competition.

While attempting to perfect their human pyramid, the ladies were visually assaulted by a man of indeterminate age, exposing himself through a serving hatch in the wall.

"It was totally unexpected," recalled Valerie Williams(54), "thank heavens the vase was standing in front of him." Another member of the troupe, Gracie Mackeralidge(58), exclaimed, "if I hadn't been legs akimbo on top of Janice, I would have shut the doors on his you-know-what."

Good to see such high spirits remain amongst the team. You go girls, all the way to the finals!

Elizabeth has announced that she is thinking of selling her house and moving to Brackish Waters to live with her Aunt. I fear it would be a perilous mistake on her part should she do so. She truly believes that she will be the next victim of the flasher and has gone as far as nailing boards over her letter box for fear of receiving a "special delivery."

Is this what they call spring madness?

yours truly

Griselda Primrose

I Know Where I Went Wrong Dear...

I rummaged through my attic yesterday and found, to my delight, a box full of knick knacks which contained within, the very mittens that had been at the root of  my distressful "episode" last Friday 13th. The controversial garments were accompanied by this letter.

My Dear Griselda

Please find these mittens enclosed, and before you say anything, I know where I went wrong dear.

Sending them forthwith, as you may find them of use.

your Grandmother

I am at pains to know why she sent them as she had neglected to incorporate any finger/thumb element. What she supposed I would use them for is quite beyond me.

Flipper warmers for seals? 

All suggestions welcome.

yours truly

Griselda Primrose

A warning... gloves!

Dear Reader, 

"Never, I repeat, never, give gloves as a gift, or you will quarrel and fall out."

Old wives tale, courtesy of my Grandmother (Dearly Departed)

Footnote(6 hours later):-

I have just had a shocking revelation. I now recall that Grandmother (not so dearly departed at present) once sent me a pair of mittens. Not only that, but they were mittens knitted by her very own treacherous hand!!! 

Griselda Primrose  

Dearly Departed

Had a call from my dear friend Ivan. He had very kindly sent a lovely card, with his condolences, to my mother on the passing of Grandmother (dearly departed), and I thanked him most profusely. He asked about Grandmother's funeral, which had taken place last week.

I told Ivan that a long lost second cousin only recognised me because, as he put it, I was the only person there under sixty. Ivan remarked that it was a rather desperate situation that we would soon be reduced to hanging around in funeral parlours in order to look younger. 

At the funeral parlour, I met my grandmother's sisters for the first time. The sisters had not been on speaking terms due to an undisclosed incident 34 years ago. How they had managed to ignore each other on the bus to town every week is beyond me. When my grandmother (DearlyDeparted) had fallen ill, they decided to heal the rift and so it was quite something to see them all in a room together for the first time in decades.

The Great Aunts made such a picture, five of them sitting in a row. There was an awkward silence to begin with. I suppose all those years of being incommunicado does leave a lack of familiarity to draw upon. Still, my mother's cousin Susan thought it timely to launch into a monologue about her long standing bowel problems, which caused some amusement amongst those present. Not a detail was spared us, and we so recently aquainted.  Mercifully, the Great Aunts were all hard of hearing, so I think it passed them by.  I, on the other hand, was not so fortunate and am trying suppress the memory. 

The funeral went fairly well. I think Grandmother would have been pleased. It was a good turnout of Aunts and Cousins, although my mother's friend did catch Cousin Malcolm prodding each Great Aunt in turn, declaring he was checking to see if rigamortis had set in. Other than that, we all departed on good terms, fortified with sweet sherry and saying how we should all have a proper family get together, instead of meeting under these sad circumstances. I suppose that means I will see them all at the next funeral.

Warts

Warts.

To prevent warts, never wash your hands in water previously used to boil eggs!

(Disclaimer:- Griselda Primrose is not responsible for your actions)

When you want to go...

"When you want to go, go"

Courtesy of my Grandmother (Dearly Departed)

Introducing...Laundry

"Never do your laundry on New Years Day, or you will wash someone out of the family."

This was but one of my Grandmother's doom laden prophecies.

Generations of Primroses do not dare to launder on this day for fear of despatching a relative to an early grave. That would be an oversight neither forgiven or indeed forgotten.

I am convinced that my dear Grandmother (herself only recently departed ) would have been thrilled to know that her words of wisdom could enable others to navigate the perils that lie in wait for us in the form of laundry, boiled egg water, a carelessly given gift etc etc.

I feel it is encumbent upon myself, and yes, a duty, to impart these words of wisdom 

yours most sincerely

Griselda Primrose

Streatham Villas